WEDDING RITUALS IN THAILAND

As a general rule there is no such thing as a specific Buddhist Wedding. The reason is that this religion does not officially recognize marriage as sacred although monks attend to chant and bless the couple. There is also no marriage certificate to get from a temple even if the chief monk can give you some sort of a statement but it has no legal value.

In principle a wedding or rather a ceremony is divided into two major events, the first category is a ritual, the second part all the legal stuff. A wedding ceremony can take place in several ways, but must at all times be managed and blessed by the monks. We have now had a few weddings in Nitta’s family and among friends, and last Saturday we attended another one, so we thought that you might find it interesting to know how it actually works.

Nitta has 7 siblings, 2 brothers and 5 sisters. Last year in January her kid sister Minqwan married John, who is an US citizen and that was a very grand wedding party.  Since we are talking about two different nationalities the couple decided to combine both parts of the many traditions. So John had his friends and most of his family coming one week prior to the wedding day and they celebrated all in the good old manners, including the traditional parties (bachelor parties) for bride and groom only.

On the wedding day we all met at 6 AM in a very beautiful temple near the Royal Palace where the monks started the ceremony at 7 AM. It takes a lot patience to sit on the floor and listen to all the prayers, which are intoned by the chief monk followed by eight other monks. For all-important prayers there are always 9 monks present. The various massed messages to the bride and groom are not in Thai but in the old language used by the monks here and not all Thai understand them even if they can pronounce the words. The most important part of the ceremony is the moment when the chief monk places over their heads either a sort of a garland made of flowers or more simple a sacred string. The couple is then kneeling on a so-called Prie-Dieu. He will then impress a white Buddha image on the forehead of the couple and the couple exchanges wedding rings, the chief monk will pour sacred water over their hands, which are held in the Wai-greeting style. Then the ceremony is then over. Over means only part one? More parts are to follow.

Like we know it from the Christian rites, a meal is very important. Now the food and other goodies are presented to the monks and we have to wait, while they eat. When they have taken, what they can consume, they are presented with a gift or maybe two. One for sure must be money. During the time, when the monks have their meal, we moved out from the temple and into the courtyard. The waiting time was used to take another 125 pictures of the newly wedded couple, families and friends and other well- wishers who had come. Then the food arrived, we could eat and then we parted. For this morning ceremony some are dressed causal, but the bride, her mother and sisters must be dressed according to traditions.

Some of the pictures were taken in the garden and by the riverside of the temple and came out very nicely indeed and of course to day everyone brings a camera. We were however two nominated Royal photographers, who enjoyed the privilege of being allowed to move around during the ceremony and we got great pictures of the event.

MINKWAN AND JOHN

Nitta and I went back to our apartment to dress up for the next part. I wore a traditional tailor-made Thai dress and so did Nitta. The next episode took place in one of the best 5 star hotels in Bangkok, where John had rented 2 party rooms. In the first one a big sofa was placed and Mammy was seated there and near her the closest family and the bride too of course. When all were properly seated, John came in from another room, but on his way had to pass some family members and friends, who were trying to prevent him from getting into the room, where the bride is. He actually has to make his way by giving small gifts and promises in order to convince them that he is the right man for the bride. What was really funny that day is, that this part is normally considered an engagement ceremony, which ought to take place before the wedding, or actually the day before the wedding. For practical reasons however the schedule was changed and after all this is Amazing Thailand, you get married in the morning and engaged in the afternoon!

Finally John gets to the sofa where Mammy sits and his way to convince her about his serious intentions is to present her with a lot of gifts plus a large envelope with cash, simply cool cash, which she will show to all present persons; Look dear family and friends John can afford to take care of my daughter, and me fine, he can get her. In the countryside they pay for the bride in form of natural products like cows, hens and other animals. As a cool matter of fact this is the REAL essence of the wedding, the presentation of money or the bride price. Normally the groom has to pay the bride’s father but since Kwan’s father passed away many years ago, Mammy is the central person to receive or negotiate the final price. The price serves some few purposes, first of all it is recognition for having raised the child well, and secondly the money represents the future loss of income or services to Mammy which Kwan is supposed to do when she, Mammy gets old and cannot take care of herself. Leave it on the side since Mammy is already being  cared well for by John and Kwan as well as the other siblings.

As a tradition it is normally important that the price is as high as possible. It gives all parties involved a brilliant chance to show off, but in some cases it is not possible to offer a high amount of cash. Then the groom will simply borrow money, even just for a few minutes to show his respect and to save face. Then the money is returned.

Part 3 can now commence and that is the Exchange of Gifts. Each family member has to present a gift to the couple and the couple has to give each family member a gift in return. The exchange takes place like this. The gifts are handed over in rank of Seniority.  First Mammy, then John’s parents, then the next in rank and so on. The giving part has to sit on the sofa and the couple will be kneeling, in Thai manner on the floor receiving the gifts. At the same time the gift is handed over you are supposed to bless the couple and add some personal remarks. It took a long time and it is expected that the gifts from both sides have been carefully selected to show respect and how much you care.

Then comes the final part and the wedded couple is placed on a sofa and now ALL participants will have to cue up and then spray the holy water on the couple. Water is here considered as a method of cleaning. So we all sprayed waters to the tired couple, but they looked happy even if getting wetter.

We had now just one hour left before the big Gala dinner. So we needed to change dresses again. John had rented some extra rooms in the hotel for this purpose. With the usual Thai delay we then met at a very nice seaside restaurant, booked entirely for this purpose and for some 250 persons and we had a splendid time where Thai traditions were mixed with American ones as well. This part is more or less like we know, eat drink, be happy, listen to many speeches and dance. All was set up in elegant and may I add expensive manners and we had a grand time. However may I add one important difference; In Thailand it is not a tradition to give gifts to a newlywed couple as we do in the Western World, where a couple to be married will make sure to hand out a list of items they need; anything from household to personal items. In Thailand you give cash only in order to help the couple to cope with the financial burdens weddings cause.

A few weeks later the newlyweds left Thailand for a long honey moon and we are sure that they had a grand time too. They deserved it!

The next wedding was completely different.

Nitta’s other kid sister, JOY decided to give her yes to PETCH and that was the last Saturday. They are both grand kids, but do not have a lot of monies. Joy lost her job shortly after the crisis and moved with Mammy from Bangkok to near Chon Buri, where we have rented a house for Mammy. Joy then opened a mini-shop, selling various items she purchases in Bangkok and which are then normally not available locally and a lot of people do not have the funds for traveling to BKK. In the new place she met Petch, whose parents have been running a shop selling items in gold and silver, but when the crisis hit this was over. So he transformed the old shop into a mini-mart selling the stuff from Joy as well and then, yes they fell in love and decided to marry. For obvious reasons they do not have a lot of funds so this marriage was completely different. This is what happened.

Nitta and I went down to Laem Chabang where John and Kwan have a very nice and big apartment with adequate guest facilities. That was Friday evening. Saturday morning came first Mammy plus some other family members and they started to prepare the meals for the day. Everybody was busy and engaged and as usual I was short time employed as photographer. That was fun. We were up very early and had a lot to do; decorating the house but again the main focus is on the food and the way it is presented. Food is the most important part of the daily life in Thailand. Knowing how delicious and tasty it is, who can blame them?

Among the persons to assist in bringing all things in the proper order was the bride and the groom, who suddenly arrived, she very nicely dressed up including the special hair style and make up used on such occasions, he dressed very Western style and I was having my Thai style dress. Oh yes, the world is changing. Then came his family members and we were introduced, very informally. For the reason that family members are often spread all over the Kingdom, some have never met the other family of course so now it was time for chatting but still being productive because the monks were about to come.

The monks have to be seated in a special manner and on special small chairs with no legs and they must be backing a wall, so that seating was nicely arranged. You simply rent the special things you need including some carpets, which are placed in front of the seats. The Prie-Dieu must be there as well of course or a monk with similar status/rank.

The wedding ceremony did now start and was in general terms exactly like the first one described. The chief monk has, with his eight fellow monks been in the house before (When it was tamboon) and he knows some of us from that occasion. He is actually a brilliant fellow with both a substantial amount of dignity and humor.

WE TIE THE FAMILY KNOTS

JOY AND PETCH

It was interesting to pay notice to the two different family types. Nitta’s family from a small city, but all kids well educated in spite of a tight financial situation for Mammy during their childhood, and Petch’s family more from the countryside, which was easy to tell even if my Thai is very poor. But they were very nice people indeed and of course were feeling maybe a little out of place even if John and Kwan as hostesses did a fantastic job to keep the party going well. So did the rest of the family and it was a very good ceremony.

John and Kwan’s house has of course several and modern bathrooms, but one of the female family members from Petch’s side had never seen one. When she asked for the bathroom, she came back within a split of a second and asked for advice of how to use a western bathroom.

After the lunch was over, we took a lot of pictures of the traditional rites as described earlier and then Petch’s family left. The newly wedded couple stayed and helped to clean up the house and put all furniture back in proper place and then they left to attend their shop.

Joy is pregnant and they have no chance for making a honeymoon trip, but we are sure that they are just as happy as John and Kwan.

NITTA AND HER 5 SISTERS

Thus we had with a short interval two weddings, so different from each other in style and yet so much alike as the traditions demand. It should be mentioned that there are several customs for weddings in Thailand. The final form depends a lot of whether you consider yourself a 100% Thai, a Chinese or from any other religion or nationality. The Mammy however understands how to maneuver in order to be able to get the best from all nationalities/traditions (read cash) and that is a clever move! Yes, Thailand can be amazing and wonderful.

Bangkok

Wednesday, March 29, 2000

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